Confront Yourself

Hi there, I want to talk about a recently experience I had and it made confront myself in the most deeply way I could imagine. Couple of years ago, I met a person which I thought will be the love of my Life, I decided to do everything to get him; I moved out another country, with another language and a culture completely new. I remember, It was an invigorating experience, heaps of illusions and fears as well, but just the fact to work out on my dream it was making me feel happy. I used to think that happiness was to work for your dreams.. But l'vie en rose ended after one year of relationship. So, my dream turned into a nightmare to survive far away from my lovelies ones. I never told my family how was my situation, always trying to show up happy for them.. no one wants to make mom cries. It arouse myself a state of depression that I hide for more than one year. I felt shame to admit that life I choose was not working as I want, in fact I was just fighting and ignoring my real feelings and emotions.
My big EGO never allows me to say I am Not Happy, actually it was a mental game.. for a while I just focused in some projects, but my heart was not in there. I tried to heal my wounded heart with band aids, but inside I still had bitterness and insecurity. After a while I thought I had learnt what I need to learn with this love experience; and then open again my heart to forgive and allow new people in my life. I met awesome people, some of them helped me in my process to heal just by allowing me to talk, it was a healing experience. how many times, we just organised our life by listening what is in ours hearts; well, this Lola had not given herself the opportunity to pull out all the pain, that was accumulate in her heart.
Life is also to honor LOVE, to respect what we are, our dreams, our believes; this is what make ourselves, isn't? Well, It was my first confrontation: I was not honoring what I did for Love, if work out or not does not determine how important it was for me. And It really was important. To accept this, liters of tears fall from eyes, I am prone to cry, but it was the tears the ones which were opening myself to put shit out; tears are the best interpretation of freedom, they are a God's instrument to heal, to clean, to purify, to recognize that our hearts are alive. Last time I hugged and kissed my family was in 2013; this year I planned with 2 of my sisters to find a point where to meet; something affordable to me and new and exciting for them. I had been dreaming to visit Jerusalem, since I was twelve, may be at that time because everybody said to me their streets are made by gold and the sea by crystals.. yes, i am naive. But this time, I was in urge to connect with my spiritual path; mom said once about Jerusalem, you will find consolation there.... consolation? Sure I need that, been working for all these years with not holidays and fighting by myself to get the things done. I have to said, I felt so loved. That missing feeling for so long.
My family friends are awesome, I love them, but that feeling does not have comparison. I could see LOVE manifested in different ways, authentic and unconditional LOVE. It was great to see my sisters, old friends and meet new friends; all of them Inspire me to keeping love, care, honor and respect myself as I deserved. Back at home, it was weird. I back lost but just with one thing clear answer to Have you been loved yourself? well, popular said the pain of true. It again pains. My second big confrontation: Low self esteem and a lack of decision to make things and dreams happens. I was thinking I was love so much everyone; probably I do; but Lola was putting herself in a second place, others tend to treat you in the same way how you treat your first love: yourself. So, I said to me: give others the opportunity to see you with the love, respect, honor and care that you have for you. It has been teaching me that like in the gardens sometimes is hard to rip out the weed, but it is necessary If we want to see the beauty of the plant and let it grow.

Things will change, as you measure the change.
 May love the light of your days and the hope be with you always Love,

 Lola Pepper